Comfy in my skin

Went through my closet this weekend and I already have a pile of stuff that is either too BIG {what?!?!?!?} or that I just won't wear to take to the thrift store.  It was fun to get rid of the tent shirts that made me feel moderately comfortable...or maybe just secure and protected under a tent of fabric. 

 

I got to thinking.  The weight I am at now is a weight I hovered around for years and years.  A weight where I felt like me.  Comfy in my own skin.  Slowly the pounds started creeping past this comfy phase into a not so comfy miserable {stretched to the skin limits} phase, where I constantly felt like a stuffed sausage about to burst my casing.  My body was full.  Full of fat, full of sad, empty of hope.  Until now.

 

The journey I am on since my surgery has honestly - {for realsies}- made me happier.  It baffles me.  I am the same.  But I feel better.  I look better.  I get tons of compliments about my progress.  And I seriously haven't cried or had an anxiety attack since the weight started coming off.  Don't get me wrong.  I have had a few bad, overwhelming, tiring days.  But I am happy. 

 

I have noticed it is easier to remain calm around my kids teenagers{with the exception of the last few days of scolding yelling screaming} with exasperation and frustration over pre-Christmas entitlement and greedy, downright pissy attitudes.  I get much less irritated in general.  It could just be the weight loss.  Or the fact that sugar rarely enters my system and I am now 6 weeks gluten free.  Whatever it is....I'm not complaining

 

So hopefully the stress of the holidays won't make me a nuttier version of my former self.  Right now I am happy in my skin {not so happy I want to stay here} and excited to see the hen who gets even smaller....

 

As you know I am a firm believer in visual aids. 

I shocked myself when I got dressed this morning and looked at an old picture on Facebook wearing the same shirt.  Same shirt...different me.  So far 38.6 pounds down.....

Voices

I'm doing good.  I'm losing, I feel good, I haven't been sick or had adverse reactions (except the allergic reaction) since my surgery.  

The things that are hard for me so far are head things not body things.  

My head constantly screws with me.  My body isn't hungry - my mind is....head hunger.  It sucks! 

My head constantly fights with itself about what I know I need to do and what my old habits are.  

Eggnog shakes are here 

and a voice whispers in my ear.... You know you want it.  

Yep I did want it.  But I delivered it to my boys at home and ate some fish and later a sugar free grape Popsicle....{swoon} and the voice still said.... Maybe it wouldn't have made you sick..just try it.  STFU stupid voice. 

I went to WLS support group tonight.  I learned I need that once a month meeting to touch base with people near me who have been through the same thing.  It helps keep my head straight and feel normal about how crazy I feel sometimes- how the voice in my head won't sabotage me.  

I realized tonight- {an aha moment if you will} that this isn't another diet that I can just give up on - I have drastically changed my body and I will listen to it...and attempt to ignore the voice in my head. 

One month and 30+ pounds down....a reason to smile for sure.

Hurdles

I know I know, it's been over a week since my last post.  But I've been really really busy! Really busy!  Two of the moms in J's class and I planned a fundraiser dinner and auction which we had on Friday night. It's been a crazy month with my surgery and planning this auction, but it went off pretty well. We raised over $10,000!  And all the proceeds go to J's class specifically for the DC trip in May.  

The dinner was a challenge, it was pasta and bread sticks and pizza muffins {which looked fantastic by the way}and salad and chicken.  I could eat none of it.  I did deconstruct a small piece of lasagna and ate all the sauce out of it so that's what I had for dinner that night.  The dessert auction was something I thought I would have BIG trouble with. In all reality though,  it wasn't that hard because I was so busy.  Even though my mother-in-law made a death by chocolate ~ I could have stuck my head in and eaten all of it but I didn't.  Score one for ME! Plus, It probably would have been improper because our table didn't win that dessert in the dessert auction.  But my kids made good

use of the left overs....J a death by chocolate pancake and T finished it off in good form. 

The booze was another thing I was worried about at the auction because auctions are more fun when you're tanked. But since I'm too scared to get sick from eating what I'm not supposed to, I ignored the desert and the pasta and the booze and focused on working the auction.  And I did ok!

So now that the auction is over I can focus on eating and preparing and getting myself straight as to what I can and can't eat.  I'd been eating on the go last week while planning the auction and having meetings and I learned some things. I learned that there are things that I hated before the surgery that I like now.  And vice versa.

For example: 

     I like mushrooms. During one of our lunch meetings for the auction the only option available for me was a mushroom soup. I ate it and loved it.  Before the surgery you could not have paid me to touch a mushroom with a 10 foot pole. 

    I now love Guacamole.  Before the look and feel and taste of avocados made me want to hurl.  Saturday night I went to an Origami Owl launch party for a new designer that signed up under me.   Her husband made homemade guacamole. That night I had guacamole and salmon dip for dinner and it was fantastic.  

     I hate the smell of coconut now.  I loved coconut before the surgery.  I'll try it again and let you know the outcome.  

     I'm also going to try things that before I hated for example: cottage cheese. I hate cottage cheese. Always have. Not sure I always will though I'm going to try it someday soon. In reality I've never actually eaten cottage cheese plain but the look of it makes me want to toss my cookies.  Not ready to try Brussel sprouts yet though.... Not sure I ever will be. 

So here it is Thanksgiving week and I'm going to succeed. I passed my first hurdle which was the dinner/auction and I'm going to make it through Thanksgiving as well. Still making my sweet potato casserole like I do every year. I'm going to make a tiny one for me with Splenda instead of sugar and without the topping.  I'll let you know how it goes. 

Oh and PS - I've lost 30 pounds! 

Moose... It's what's for dinner

I've been craving beef lately.  I want steak, a burger, prime rib....purée is getting to me.  I can't even do yogurt right now.  I'm so cold all I want is warm hearty food.  I think it's partly the fact that I'm not eating carbs and the fact that it's freezing cold outside. {interestingly enough - I'm not too cold to have my nightly sugar free fudgscicle or Popsicle}. I don't think anything will ever stop me from some kind of dessert.

Although soup fills me up and I'm satisfied - I wanted homemade, like mom made, beef something.  Out came the moose steaks given to us when I was first out of the hospital.  I crock-potted them with carrots, potatoes, onion and spices

It smelled so good!  

The family {even picky T} ate it up.  

I puréed mine into mush.....

Even in this gross looking form it was sooooo good!!!  Soooooo good!

A few weeks ago - before my surgery I found some trays made for freezing and storing homemade baby food.  Since I knew I'd be eating like a baby for a while, I picked them up on a whim.  They complemented the Beaba Baby Cook that I picked up {Value Village is my friend} a couple months ago.  

So now I have a tray full of moose mush ready to pop out and heat up when I feel like moose for dinner! 

PS - I'm down 25 pounds 

Time......is not on my side

Time flies.  

Time is wasting.  

Time's a changing.  

Ticking time bomb..... 

TIME. 

 Time passing is something I have to teach myself to deal with since this surgery.  

- for example:

  I have to wait 4 weeks for soft food.  Strictly puréed food for me for 4 weeks.  So far {amazingly} over one week has passed.  Puréed food is boring.  And currently only cream of wheat and creamy soups satisfy me right now.

  I have to make 2 oz.  { picture 2 oz. - that's 2 shots for you alcohol lovers} last for 20-30 minutes when I eat.  When I sip 2 oz. of soup it needs to take a half hour.  THAT IS HARD.  Hard to wait. Hard to be patient.  Hard to stop sipping when it tastes so fucking good, but I know if I eat anymore, I'll be sick - 

 Time is a tricky thing.  I wonder where it went when I look at my teenagers.  I wonder why I let so many years pass in an unhealthy, obese body.  

But I am working on realizing that if I take my time, and plan my "meals" pretty soon a year will have passed, that time will be gone and I'll be sporting a new healthy body.  

 

  

  

Yummy chicken for this {a little less} fat chick

So my 1st night in my bed sucked.   I had pain med nightmares.  Creepy, crazy, scary dreams.  So, no more pain meds for me.  It was like I woke up and was still in the creepy, crazy, scary icky gooey place.  Blech!

Today was good.  I tried new things... Greek yogurt likes me.  My sordid affair with the grape Popsicle rekindled itself today....mmmmmmm.  And dinner.... Let me tell you about my dinner.  

All week my awesome friends have been bringing dinner to my family.  When I was gone lasagna, pizza, Mac and cheese and moose hotdogs came and my family was fed.  {and we got a moose roast!!!}I came home last night to enchiladas, which smelled AH-mazing!  

Tonight's dinner was something I could have!  Chicken Pesto.  

I cut it up, Brent ground it up, we added chicken broth and I had Chicken pest paste.

OoohhhmyyyGoodGodsoooogood! 

I ate about 2.5 ounces - got full and feel great.  I'm so excited to start cooking and crockpotting stuff!!!!

Thank you Sam George, Stephanie Sager, Sharon Zagyva, Lisa Ham, and finally Tricia Zuyus for bringing food and setting this all up!  Love you all! 

It's a tit nippley in here

I'm home today.  Took a nap in my own bed.  Slept good.  But I'd have to say I'd like to be back in one of my previous beds of the past two weeks : 

     My sister in law's sleep number bed of awesomeness....house sitting is da bomb!

     My hospital bed.... Morphine button, nurse come help me button, head up, head down button.  Morphine button made me sleep so bed was soo comfy as far as I knew.

     My mother in law's spare bed.  I felt cozy, quiet, loved, taken care of.  AND QUIET.  

I'll sleep in my bed next to the LOML tonight.  I have missed sleeping next to him....not the snoring and having to kick him to roll over.... But just having him near.  I missed that for sure.  BUT I won't lie and say I don't enjoy sleeping by myself.  In comfy beds.  Our mattress is old and ready to be replaced...

Some firsts happened since surgery.  I did these: 

And I made it!!!  I'm surprised at how good I feel! 

I have been cold the last few days - at my mother in law's I was showing her my incisions and the first thing T says is "Oh, Mom's cold" ummm yeah.  Thanks for noticing kiddo :) too bad there aren't:

Fuzzy socks for my nips.  Then the whole world wouldn't know when I was cold!  

So now I'm cozied up, kids in bed, LOML and I are catching up on shows and then I'm off to bed in my own bed.... Next up - a new mattress.  I'm going to start saving. 

I love a good morphine pump.

KHere I am feeling sufficiently drugged. And my pain level has only reached a 6.  Not too shabby.

I'm fdoing the things I'm supposed to.  

     I walked yesterday afternoon, last          night and several times today.

      I peed.

      I ate some broth.

I'm currently switching over to liquid Percocet - I will miss my morphine pump dearly. That shot tastes awful.  I chased it with cold beef cbroth and a mint sponge Dobber.  Yum-o

Yes, I have been upgraded from ice chips to clear liquid.i got a grape Popsicle!  

 Fucking awesome.  I've never had a spiritual experience with a Popsicle.  The earth moved. It was sooooo good!

I also go jello {that was suppose to taste like something yellow} and beef broth .  More tomorrow kids!

Clearly.....

Short post.  Clear liquids since 8pm last night.  Clear as in see through!  As in not filling.  But I think they served their purpose.  I was hungry earlier today...but now I'm not that hungry.  I have super low energy though.  So I'm getting ready for bed.  Alarm is all set for 4 am.  I'm not really nervous yet.  Doc called in a Xanax for me to take in the morning.  So - score!

So here I am on the last night of the before me.  

I'm so excited to see all the phases of the after me. 

Until tomorrow...... 

No more soda

I just drank my last soda.... literally. No soda ever again. 

Moment of silence, please.

Goodbye old friend. 

Tomorrow is the day before my surgery and starting right now I'm on all clear liquids.  Tomorrow will be hard.  Broth, jello, crystal light, more broth, life water, more jello, water....water...water!  I'll be peeing a lot.  

Luckily I'll be busy tomorrow ~ so hopefully it will keep my mind off food. 

Wild ride coming......minus carbonation :) 

Last Friday

Anchorage has fun artsy, musicy Friday night party time on the first Friday of the month called {wait for it}.....First Friday.  I am excited that this is my LAST FRIDAY before my RNY Gastric bypass surgery.  I was busy on my last Friday.  Half a day of work, and then hospital pre-registration.  Shit just got real.  And surprisingly enough I'm not petrified.  Anxious, yes. 


I watched this in preparation for my upcoming {as in 3 effing days upcoming} surgery.   I do not want this horrendously boring automated voice narrating my surgery.  The animation was helpful.  I will count backwards from 10 after I'm shot up with drugs and dream that my stomach and intestines look so neat and goo/fat/blood/yuck free like the perfectly pink drawn ones in this video.  Maybe I won't even have to replay her awful voice in my mind saying trocar over and over.  Maybe my doc's music will soothe my sleeping brain. 

Hopefully my doc listens to cool tunes while in surgery - like Indigo Girls or Adele or Harry Connick Jr or Gavin Degraw or or Fleetwood Mac or James Taylor or Kenny Chesney or Jimmy Buffett.  I hope my anesthesia induced slumber will not be inundated with stuff I hate like "What does the fox say"  or anything by The Beatsie Boys or Type O Negative.  I don't want my subconscious to be bombarded with Screamo, classical,Cher, Mariah Carey or ANY KIND OF RAP, gangster or otherwise {sorry LOML - its my invasive procedure not yours}.  Unless its Fresh Prince.

And when I wake up hopefully I can replace anything that's subconsciously replaying in my mind with my favorite tunes.  Because I know....I just know that LOML is going to let me borrow his Beats headphones while I'm recovering.  Even in the hospital where he isn't completely in control of them.

Happy Last Friday folks....and to many First Fridays that I will feel better for and actually want to venture out on after a long day of work and have fun - because I am embarking on a new adventure and I want to get my ass off the couch!

Masks....

So I dressed up for Halloween at work today.

{Rosie the Riveter} 2013

It was fun.  I did last year too.

{Sheldon Cooper} 2012
 I can count on one hand the number of times I've dressed up for this crazy holiday as an adult.   Got lots of positive feedback on my super cool strong chick look today... so that's a bonus!

It got me thinking about  masks and inevitably my mind jumped to hiding.  I hide all the time. Don't get me wrong, I try not to lie and I'm very open with my emotions when I am hormonal, tired, or just down right pissy.   LOML knows how I feel by looking at me... Close friends can sense my sadness....I wear those emotionally spastic feelings on my sleeve.   But I hide.... A LOT. I hide from my family, my friends, my coworkers.  And {NEWSFLASH} I hide from myself.

I'm funny.  I make jokes.  I'm sarcastic. I go with the flow.... It's all good.  No worries.... I'm easy {easy like Sunday morning.... Not easy like easy.} Just ask LOML.  These are my masks.  

When I feel inadequate as a mother - I joke about how I can't wait 'til the day I'm kid free. {I say it but we all know I'll be a hot mess when T & J really leave}.  

When I feel inadequate as a wife I about how irritating LOML makes me sometimes {again- we all know I'd be lost....LOST without that man.} 

When I fail on a diet - my explanations to everyone {and myself} drip with sarcasm instead of honestly facing that I failed again. 

When I am overwhelmed at work - I pay a cool and confident.  {inside I'm like oh shit, shit, shit, oh shit}.  

When I'm up to my eyeballs in commitments and someone says can you… And I say sure no problem, of course, whatever you need. {actually my brain is screaming No! No! I can't do another fucking thing...if I do my heart might explode}.

I'd venture a guess that everyone has a mask or two.  Think about it...if we didn't, everyone would know everything about everybody and we all be so worried about everyone else that we'd have EVEN more reasons to hide. So here's my vow: I can't guarantee I'll never use my masks.... But I'll try to be more aware of them and work on being real.  Sometimes it's gonna make people go - she's a hot mess - sometimes they'll think I'm glad she said that.... I understand her a little more now, some will just say- shut up!!!!!  And it's ok.  I'm a work in progress.  And you lucky folks get to tag along for the ride..... Only if you want to :) 

Happy Halloween

Holly Hobbie Flashbacks

I found this little vintage Holly Hobbie plaque during one of my thrift store jaunts and hung it on the wall right in my line of sight at work.  It says “The time to be happy is now”.   I have fond memories of Holly Hobbie. Happy, warm fuzzy thoughts flood me whenever I see her at a thrift store or on Etsy.  She feels like an old friend who knows the real me of my childhood {the messy, sad, emotional me; the mean, catty, hurtful me; the quiet, troubled, mortified me; the happy, creative, content me.  The me that spent weekend upon weekend cuddling under a Holly Hobbie quilt that my mom {or maybe an aunt} made for me when I was a baby.  I saw the fabric recently…it took me back.

 When I was growing up I had two families….a child of divorce like so many others.  When I was little I lived primarily with my Dad, step-mom {Mom^2}, and older sister {and later, foster kids and their adopted kids}.  I spent weekends and school vacations with my mom {another hero of mine}.  Until I was 13 I was my mom’s only kiddo and the fact that we only spent weekends together made the time we spent mostly fun.  Mom didn’t have to be the heavy because weekend time was fun time: roller skating, beaching, playing, watching movies, playing video games, visiting family.  She didn't get to experience the crabby kid who didn’t want to do her homework and eat her vegetables, who acted like a jackass when she didn’t get her way.  Mom got weekends filled with fun me - and although we both look back and wish we would have had more time…the time we had was pretty much {fun party} mom and me time. 

As a chubby kid with few friends I realized the fake friends were the best because they couldn't call you four eyes and thunder thighs {yes it rhymes…pair that with the last name Gross and you've got the makings of good strong old school verbal bullying}.  Holly would never say things to hurt me or make fun of me because I would rather hole up and read a book than explore the neighborhood for real kids.  Holly Hobbie was the bomb.  She wasn't skinny, perfect or trendy.  She didn’t wear Guess Jeans, Tretorn sneakers and Benetton polo shirts.  She didn't make fun of me for having ugly corduroy pants pink and grey saddle shoes {God, I loved those shoes}.  I didn't care about those things and mostly still don’t {although I might find it gratifying to squeeze my butt fanny backside Gammon ass* into a pair of acid washed Guess Jeans- ooh! maybe I should make that a goal}.  And most of all you rarely saw her face…that {not so swanky} prairie bonnet hid it all.  All the hurt, all the sadness, all the hunger was hidden from the world. She played in the fields, on the beach – with her many cats and kind friends.  

I loved her so {still do really...}.  My prairie bonnet was not literal….it was of a culinary nature.  Hurt, hide it with ice cream.  Sad, hide it with candy.  Angry, hide it with donuts…cookies…potato chips… french fries…

I don’t blame anyone in my childhood life for all the anger and sadness.  Shit happens.  It does.  I had LOTS AND LOTS of happy, happy things.  Things that I did with each of my separate families making lifelong memories: midnight trips to Rapid Ray’s for a burger, fries and chocolate milk, heading to Brunswick for family visits and playing on Papa’s big rock with Stacy, lobster bakes, Halloween as Wonder Woman (4 years in a row) swimming, taking Bobo for a Sunday run in the cemetery, crafting with Mom, Mom², and Grammie Alma, video games and movies with Aunt Jeannie, Popham and Small Point with Mom and later Ashley {Lil' Ditdor}, jumping on Tammy {Little Big Sis} to wake her up, tickle torture, Wormwood's with dad, Home Interior assistant job with Mom², Florida vacations, Gammon Girls bathroom gatherings - just to name a few bunch.

The first step to embracing NOW {the time to be happy} is realizing that calories can’t fix emotions.  OK – got it…..onto the next step.

* the Gammon Ass - if you have one you know what it is....if you don't you wish you did.  

The sun is shining and I'm on my way....

...to therapy {let's pretend its a tea party...because those are fun}   Haven't been since July 31st.  Every WLS {specifically Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass for me} prospect needs to have a psychological evaluation.  Had mine.  I must have passed - because I'm getting the surgery.  I decided not to stop at just the evaluation.  I'm digging my heels and jumping in full force - tea parties twice a month for me!  I'm going try to get my brain on the right track too.  After all - my brain {AKA my in-house saboteur} tells me to overeat.  He {saboteurs are always male} tells me that one two FOUR candy bars don't count if no one sees me stuff them in my face {hiding in the bathroom}.  I should probably find out why and work on changing it.  This is going to be fun right?  I'll be drinking tea and finding out why my saboteur hates me so much.  Fun....

 

As I'm driving to hang out with the hostess of my tea party I think about my propensity for foul language and how at these tea parties and on this blog I should try to curb my cussing.  Because well....because...I wouldn't want to offend anyone.  Guess what I learned at today's tea party.  It's not my job to make sure everyone else is OK with what I do and say.  I shouldn't be mean but.....

 

So here's a warning.... I will swear, I will use inappropriate language.  I am surrounded  by defense attorneys day after day...so yeah... It's how I talk.  I'm not that bad and I'm probably better than what you are imagining I will be.  I remember my dad saying {insert sarcasm here}how very proud he was of his daughters....and how they spoke like truckers {or sailors ~ it depended on his mood}.  Well... this blog will occasionally make him proud - because sometimes the only way to convey what I want to get across is to drop an FBomb. 

 

You have been warned.

I got fatter......

I've been tired for almost 5 years.  Fat and tired. And emotional.  And crabby. And unhealthy. My dad, my hero, got sick and died in 2009 and IT SUCKED SOOOO BAD.  And I went from fat and happy - to fat and sad.

Now - I've never been skinny.  Never.  In high school I was chubby.  In college I slimmed out for a minute.  Then I fell in love and got fat again in quick succession.  Got married. Got fatter.  Had a baby.  Got fatter.  Had another baby while the first baby was still a baby.  Got fatter.  Then - because the love of my life {LOML} and I did things bass ackwards - we raised our toddlers {T & J}  into children while working and going to college full time.  I had a great job in Florida and was successful and well liked by my co-workers.  I was good at my job, a good mom, good wife, good daughter, good Girl Scout leader, good friend....good, good, good.  I had a good self esteem.  I knew I was fat.  But I was ok.

 Would I like to have lost it all back then....when I had so much less to lose?  Of course.  I said back then I would never have this surgery... It's a cop out.  It's for the weak, the unmotivated, the lazy.  I could do it - on my own. And every year I said I would.  And every year I didn't.

At that point- T&J are no longer toddlers, both full fledged kiddos in school and everything.  LOML and I pack up and journey 5,000 miles North to Alaska.  Jobs {my current one my favorite so far}came, home ownership came and went, holidays came and went.  T&J grew and we settled into a groove.  Then January 2009 took the wind out of the sails and in 6 short months cancer stole my hero.   I flew a lot that year and learned to ask the flight attendant as I boarded to bring me a seat belt extender (because pushing the button after we were all seated was mortifying).

I got home from my hero's funeral and was different.  Always emotional but never the medication needing chick- I became the medication needing chick. Then my physical side started reacting to my emotional side.  Thyroid meds, antidepressant/anti-anxiety meds, vitamin D,  pre-diabetic metabolic syndrome meds..... And I went from the weight I had stalled at for years....a weight I hated but didn't let it make me hate myself - to a weight that made me hate myself.  No more good, good, good.

So 2013 rolls around and a dear friend says <I think I'm going to try this weight loss surgery {WLS}.  Wanna find out about it with me.>  I say < Hell no, that's not for me>!   Then I don't sleep for 3 nights....all I think about is WLS.

Fast forward to right this minute.  I sit here thinking - in one week I'll be recovering from WLS.  HOLY SNAPPING ASSHOLES!!!!  I'm doing it.  So this here is a record of my journey from Fat Chick to Healthy Hen - join me if you'd like.  I won't promise anything.  I may post daily, I may not.  This won't be an obligation for me - it's just my journey.