All my life I have been told I have beautiful hair. Sometimes it was because as a fat chick it wasn't:
- "you're so pretty"
- "you are built like a dancer"
- "what a stunner"
...so my other beautiful qualities stood out more. I too find myself doing this with others. I think its mostly because none of us {well...at least the good ones} want to hurt anyone's feelings...so we build up the things that we find beautiful in people. We glaze over the bad {or perceived bad} and focus on the good.
Me personally...never found my fat beautiful...AT ALL. Now... that's my perception of me. I have seen overweight people that I find beautiful or handsome or attractive. Just not the morbidly obese person staring back at me from the mirror. But my hair has always been my saving grace. It is uber thick, extra shiny and full of body. Its not straight or curly {and although that sometimes drives me nuts} I mostly love my hair.
When I started my WLS journey, I read all the literature, went to supports groups {still do}, and tried to prepare myself for what was to come. I think like getting pregnant and having a baby ~ all the reading and preparation in the world does not prepare us for the actual reality. We read about the sleepless nights, the puked on clothes and all the other things that go along with a newborn. Once that reality hits - it's "OMG this really does happen!" And some of us even struggle with complaining about it or being honest with ourselves and others that this wrinkly little crying, pooping, puking, life sucker blessing we are bestowed with is {although a blessing and a gift} hard to adjust to and changes our lives in a big way{sometimes depressing or overwhelming ways}. Would we change it? Nope not for a minute! Would we send that baby back where it came from? Not just no, but HELL NO!
This is where I currently am in my WLS journey. Feeling great, losing weight, skin looks great, more energy, new clothes..... then there's the big BUT. {Not my big butt - which is shrinking} but the word that hangs in the air when we feel like we should be grateful, positive, and upbeat ALL THE TIME. Because a very good thing is happening and if we utter any negative words it will mean we are ungrateful.
Here's the BUT.... hair loss. It is common with WLS and happens between 3-6 months for most patients. I knew about this, I saw folks in my support group with thin hair and I heard all their stories. For some reason even though I knew it would happen....the reality of it is a shock. And I must admit it has screwed with my psyche. I have always had a great self esteem...I've mentioned this before....it's my self image I struggle with. And now I am losing my beautiful hair.
I am scared it will:
- grow back different
- not grow back at all
- be thinner than it used to be
And the little voice in my head says "quit whining...there could be a WAY WORSE reason that you are losing your hair....we all know that."
"You're hair does not make you beautiful. You make you beautiful."
This is hard for me. I have always thought I was a cute girl stuck in an ugly fat girl's body. The words my grandmother said to me at around 8 years old..."you'd have such a pretty face if...." they stuck.
I always complete that sentence with things like:
- you'd just stop eating
- you'd lose weight
- you'd peel a layer of fat off those chubby cheeks
- you get the idea
- but your hair is gorgeous
Well, now those things are happening BUT my hair is falling out. Daily, A LOT of it. I take the vitamins, I eat as best as I can. But it is an inevitable result of WLS. I knew it was coming but the reality of it has hit me like a ton of bricks.
This is what happens when I run my fingers through my hair
every single day for the last week.
That's it in a nutshell. I'm down 61 pounds and losing my hair. But I'll keep drilling my new mantra into my head until I believe it. My hair doesn't make me beautiful. I make me beautiful.
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