Hands Off

It's been two months....I know.  I've been super busy - and my new bod is keeping up with me!!!
I'm happy to report that I lasted the entire Girl Scout Cookie season only eating one lemon cookie.

So many cookies booths!

And it didn't even taste that good to me.  I have a very large candy dish in my office full of candy....and I haven't had one piece.  Luckily my coworkers clean out the free food in short order. 

 

Office yummies

 

I've never been good on the dieting front with the "Hands Off" mantra.  I'd keep my greedy fingers off the bad stuff for a while, sure.  But after some time I'd dive into chips, candy, soda, cookies, cupcakes, cakes.  And I mean DIVE.  I had no portion control.  NONE.  One cookie to me was ludicrious.  I'd eat the whole box.  A box a day sometimes.  A serving of 15 chips?  Try to keep me away for the entire bag.  That was how I ate before WLS.  I was a glutton.  It wasn't because I wanted to...not even close.  The guilt that crept in after was as huge as I was getting.  I was ashamed and humiliated that I was ruled by food.  I didn't want to be that way, I tried over and over again to stop.  I was addicted to huge portions of food.  Why?  Because for some reason - my brain didn't have that switch that told me I was full.  Until it was too late and I was sick to my stomach. 

WLS created that switch for me and I thank God everyday that I had the courage and means to do it.  LOML and I work hard for our money and pride ourselves in the fact that we are capable of working at jobs that provide medical insurance.  We pay into it - but without my insurance - this would never have even been a possibility. 

Now, my body knows before I'm full that I should stop.  Now my body tells me...."um that isn't good for you and now I'm going to make you feel like shit so you won't be tempted to try it again."  I have tested it a couple times.  I can tell you the things that will make me feel bad and I stay away from them.  Is it hard?  Yes.  Is it worth it?  Aboslutely. 

82 pounds gone is the answer to that.  I'm happy and it shows.



Happy, Happy

Drill it in....

All my life I have been told I have beautiful hair.  Sometimes it was because as a fat chick it wasn't:

• "you're so pretty"
• "you are built like a dancer"
• "what a stunner"

...so my other beautiful qualities stood out more.  I too find myself doing this with others.  I think its mostly because none of us {well...at least the good ones} want to hurt anyone's feelings...so we build up the things that we find beautiful in people.  We glaze over the bad {or perceived bad} and focus on the good. 

 

Me personally...never found my fat beautiful...AT ALL.  Now... that's my perception of me.  I have seen overweight people that I find beautiful or handsome or attractive.  Just not the morbidly obese person staring back at me from the mirror.   But my hair has always been my saving grace.  It is uber thick, extra shiny and full of body.  Its not straight or curly {and although that sometimes drives me nuts} I mostly love my hair. 

 

 

 

When I started my WLS journey, I read all the literature, went to supports groups {still do}, and tried to prepare myself for what was to come.  I think like getting pregnant and having a baby ~ all the reading and preparation in the world does not prepare us for the actual reality.   We read about the sleepless nights, the puked on clothes and all the other things that go along with a newborn.  Once that reality hits - it's "OMG this really does happen!"  And some of us even struggle with complaining about it or being honest with ourselves and others that this wrinkly little crying, pooping, puking, life sucker blessing we are bestowed with is {although a blessing and a gift} hard to adjust to and changes our lives in a big way{sometimes depressing or overwhelming ways}.  Would we change it?  Nope not for a minute!  Would we send that baby back where it came from?  Not just no, but HELL NO! 

 

This is where I currently am in my WLS journey.  Feeling great, losing weight, skin looks great, more energy, new clothes..... then there's the big BUT.  {Not my big butt - which is shrinking} but the word that hangs in the air when we feel like we should be grateful, positive, and upbeat ALL THE TIME.  Because a very good thing is happening and if we utter any negative words it will mean we are ungrateful.

 

Here's the BUT.... hair loss.  It is common with WLS and happens between 3-6 months for most patients.  I knew about this, I saw folks in my support group with thin hair and I heard all their stories.  For some reason even though I knew it would happen....the reality of it is a shock.  And I must admit it has screwed with my psyche.  I have always had a great self esteem...I've mentioned this before....it's my self image I struggle with.  And now I am losing my beautiful hair. 

 

I am scared it will:

• grow back different
• not grow back at all
• be thinner than it used to be

And the little voice in my head says "quit whining...there could be a WAY WORSE reason that you are losing your hair....we all know that."

 

 

So I am currently drilling the following into my head:

"You're hair does not make you beautiful. You make you beautiful."

This is hard for me. I have always thought I was a cute girl stuck in an ugly fat girl's body. The words my grandmother said to me at around 8 years old..."you'd have such a pretty face if...." they stuck.
I always complete that sentence with things like:

• you'd just stop eating
• you'd lose weight
• you'd peel a layer of fat off those chubby cheeks
• you get the idea
• but your hair is gorgeous

Well, now those things are happening BUT my hair is falling out.  Daily, A LOT of it.  I take the vitamins, I eat as best as I can. But it is an inevitable result of WLS. I knew it was coming but the reality of it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

  This is what happens when I run my fingers through my hair

every single day for the last week.

 

 

That's it in a nutshell.  I'm down 61 pounds and losing my hair.  But I'll keep drilling my new mantra into my head until I believe it.  My hair doesn't make me beautiful.  I make me beautiful. 

 





Nifty Fifty

On Saturday the 4th I shared my 2 month surgiversary with my MIL's birthday. 
This morning I weighed in with a 50.4 pound loss.  2 months {and 2 days} after my life changing event.  

50 pounds is a lot.  
If say, I wanted to ship my lost 50 to my mom in Maine...I would have to spend the following...

Tue Jan 7, 2014 12:00 PMFedEx Priority Overnight^®245.36

 Tue Jan 7, 2014 8:00 PMFedEx Standard Overnight^®239.53 

Wed Jan 8, 2014 12:00 PMFedEx 2Day AM^®198.11 

Wed Jan 8, 2014 8:00 PMFedEx 2Day^®173.80 

End of day(9 Business Days)FedEx Home Delivery ^®120.92

Now I'm pretty sure my Momma is trying to lose a few pounds of her own and would not want me to ship her my 50 lost pounds.... 

These are examples of the things I used to heft around daily:

• The largest bag of dog food 
• A small bag of cement mix
• 200 dollars in Quarters
• 6 gallons of water
• a large cooler of beer and ice

 

NO wonder I was tired occasionally  ALL.THE.TIME!!!!  

NO wonder my feet hurt all the time. {Nary a foot pain recently.} 

NO wonder I never wanted to do anything but sleep.  {BTW I still love to sleep and occasionally catch up on a few several hours on the weekend, much to LOML's chagrin.}

NO wonder I had to nap everyday at lunchtime {still do sometimes.}

NO wonder shaving my legs was such a chore {there's a lotta leg there.}

NO wonder the thought of painting my own toenails was so daunting {couldn't see my toes - can now!}

NO wonder I wore Danskos all the time...no laces!!!!  {I just bought a pair of New Balance sneakers...with shoelaces! Score!}

NO wonder I rarely wore jewelry - my neck, fingers, wrists were always too chubby for jewelry to feel comfortable. {I wear it almost daily now & I look GOOD :)}

NO wonder I was constantly irritated with everything {I still get irritated but now mostly on a monthly cycle :)}

The only thing I truly wonder about it is why the Holy Hell I waited so long to have it done.  

I am happy.  I am thinner.  I am exactly 1/3 of the way to my goal.  

Happy Nifty Fifty to me.