A father's love

If you are close to me, follow my posts- or watched the news last night (ugh!) you know that yesterday was a hard day.  Here's why.Yesterday I listened to a grandfather named Rob, who loves his daughter, loves his granddaughter, and loves his son-in-law, stand up and tell the court- his voice cracking with emotion- the pain he endured when tragedy struck and his granddaughter died and he couldn't be there to hold his baby when she got the news that her baby was gone.  He explained the helplessness he felt and the anger he experienced when he heard her screams and knew she was alone in a hospital corridor

That case came to me in January 2009..... The same month I learned that my dad was diagnosed with Cancer and given months to live.  These two tragedies are forever linked in my mind.

When I first got the case I didn't know our client, or his family.  I was the paralegal assigned to the case and not yet the investigator.  I read all the documents and processed everything.  But didn't have too much contact with the family.  And honestly- I was too filled with grief and worry about my dad that I couldn't focus on much.  I did my job.... But it was more like going through the motions.

Six months later my dad was gone.

It would be a couple of years before I would really get to know the family attached to the case.  I grew to love them all.  But not equally.  Because the two I feel closest to are the two I had the most contact with.  And when I got to know Rob - that's when I believed with my whole heart that our client was innocent.

I've echoed this statement over and over any one who asks {and even those who don't} about my belief in Clay's innocence.  "His father-in-law believes he's innocent.  That speaks VOLUMES."

Here's why that speaks volumes to me and why every time I see and hug Rob- I think about my dad:
 My father loved me with his entire heart.  He loved me at my best and at my worst.  He loved his little girl {me} even when she was unlovable and mean and selfish.  He loved me even when I thought other things were more important than my relationship with him.  He loved me...... But oh how he loved his baby's baby.  He adored T. He was there in the delivery room when she came into this world.   Lit up whenever he saw her.  Was overjoyed when we moved in across the street. And devastated when we drove out of his driveway and headed to Alaska.  This love- this overwhelming love that my father had for his girls is the reason I'm convinced Clay is innocent.

There is no way IN HELL that if something had ever happened to T and my husband was charged with a crime - that my father would support him if he had one ounce of doubt- one sliver of belief that his son-in-law had anything to do with it.  There's no way my father would have been my husband's third party custodian for 3 years, and come to EVERY court date in support of his son-in-law if he even had a second's thought that he was involved in his granddaughter's death. So for several years in my mind I have put my dad in Rob's shoes.

In general terms I can see an accused's parent or wife supporting him wholeheartedly.  That's his blood, his partner.  But not the in-laws.  No way.

It's been a rough week.  Yesterday I cried {on TV even....sheesh!} for a family that has lost a daughter/granddaughter - and now a husband/family member/friend.

Today I cry because 6 years ago today I lost my dad.  Cancer got the better of him and he's with Jesus now.  He's the lucky one.  He's not surrounded by injustice and heartache. I hope he's bouncing Rob's granddaughter on his knee - playing peekaboo with her and giving her hugs that Papas are so good at.  I know Rob and my dad will meet someday and he'll hand Rob his granddaughter and there will only be joy.

Hands Off

It's been two months....I know.  I've been super busy - and my new bod is keeping up with me!!!
I'm happy to report that I lasted the entire Girl Scout Cookie season only eating one lemon cookie.

So many cookies booths!

And it didn't even taste that good to me.  I have a very large candy dish in my office full of candy....and I haven't had one piece.  Luckily my coworkers clean out the free food in short order. 

 

Office yummies

 

I've never been good on the dieting front with the "Hands Off" mantra.  I'd keep my greedy fingers off the bad stuff for a while, sure.  But after some time I'd dive into chips, candy, soda, cookies, cupcakes, cakes.  And I mean DIVE.  I had no portion control.  NONE.  One cookie to me was ludicrious.  I'd eat the whole box.  A box a day sometimes.  A serving of 15 chips?  Try to keep me away for the entire bag.  That was how I ate before WLS.  I was a glutton.  It wasn't because I wanted to...not even close.  The guilt that crept in after was as huge as I was getting.  I was ashamed and humiliated that I was ruled by food.  I didn't want to be that way, I tried over and over again to stop.  I was addicted to huge portions of food.  Why?  Because for some reason - my brain didn't have that switch that told me I was full.  Until it was too late and I was sick to my stomach. 

WLS created that switch for me and I thank God everyday that I had the courage and means to do it.  LOML and I work hard for our money and pride ourselves in the fact that we are capable of working at jobs that provide medical insurance.  We pay into it - but without my insurance - this would never have even been a possibility. 

Now, my body knows before I'm full that I should stop.  Now my body tells me...."um that isn't good for you and now I'm going to make you feel like shit so you won't be tempted to try it again."  I have tested it a couple times.  I can tell you the things that will make me feel bad and I stay away from them.  Is it hard?  Yes.  Is it worth it?  Aboslutely. 

82 pounds gone is the answer to that.  I'm happy and it shows.



Happy, Happy

Drill it in....

All my life I have been told I have beautiful hair.  Sometimes it was because as a fat chick it wasn't:

• "you're so pretty"
• "you are built like a dancer"
• "what a stunner"

...so my other beautiful qualities stood out more.  I too find myself doing this with others.  I think its mostly because none of us {well...at least the good ones} want to hurt anyone's feelings...so we build up the things that we find beautiful in people.  We glaze over the bad {or perceived bad} and focus on the good. 

 

Me personally...never found my fat beautiful...AT ALL.  Now... that's my perception of me.  I have seen overweight people that I find beautiful or handsome or attractive.  Just not the morbidly obese person staring back at me from the mirror.   But my hair has always been my saving grace.  It is uber thick, extra shiny and full of body.  Its not straight or curly {and although that sometimes drives me nuts} I mostly love my hair. 

 

 

 

When I started my WLS journey, I read all the literature, went to supports groups {still do}, and tried to prepare myself for what was to come.  I think like getting pregnant and having a baby ~ all the reading and preparation in the world does not prepare us for the actual reality.   We read about the sleepless nights, the puked on clothes and all the other things that go along with a newborn.  Once that reality hits - it's "OMG this really does happen!"  And some of us even struggle with complaining about it or being honest with ourselves and others that this wrinkly little crying, pooping, puking, life sucker blessing we are bestowed with is {although a blessing and a gift} hard to adjust to and changes our lives in a big way{sometimes depressing or overwhelming ways}.  Would we change it?  Nope not for a minute!  Would we send that baby back where it came from?  Not just no, but HELL NO! 

 

This is where I currently am in my WLS journey.  Feeling great, losing weight, skin looks great, more energy, new clothes..... then there's the big BUT.  {Not my big butt - which is shrinking} but the word that hangs in the air when we feel like we should be grateful, positive, and upbeat ALL THE TIME.  Because a very good thing is happening and if we utter any negative words it will mean we are ungrateful.

 

Here's the BUT.... hair loss.  It is common with WLS and happens between 3-6 months for most patients.  I knew about this, I saw folks in my support group with thin hair and I heard all their stories.  For some reason even though I knew it would happen....the reality of it is a shock.  And I must admit it has screwed with my psyche.  I have always had a great self esteem...I've mentioned this before....it's my self image I struggle with.  And now I am losing my beautiful hair. 

 

I am scared it will:

• grow back different
• not grow back at all
• be thinner than it used to be

And the little voice in my head says "quit whining...there could be a WAY WORSE reason that you are losing your hair....we all know that."

 

 

So I am currently drilling the following into my head:

"You're hair does not make you beautiful. You make you beautiful."

This is hard for me. I have always thought I was a cute girl stuck in an ugly fat girl's body. The words my grandmother said to me at around 8 years old..."you'd have such a pretty face if...." they stuck.
I always complete that sentence with things like:

• you'd just stop eating
• you'd lose weight
• you'd peel a layer of fat off those chubby cheeks
• you get the idea
• but your hair is gorgeous

Well, now those things are happening BUT my hair is falling out.  Daily, A LOT of it.  I take the vitamins, I eat as best as I can. But it is an inevitable result of WLS. I knew it was coming but the reality of it has hit me like a ton of bricks.

  This is what happens when I run my fingers through my hair

every single day for the last week.

 

 

That's it in a nutshell.  I'm down 61 pounds and losing my hair.  But I'll keep drilling my new mantra into my head until I believe it.  My hair doesn't make me beautiful.  I make me beautiful. 

 





Nifty Fifty

On Saturday the 4th I shared my 2 month surgiversary with my MIL's birthday. 
This morning I weighed in with a 50.4 pound loss.  2 months {and 2 days} after my life changing event.  

50 pounds is a lot.  
If say, I wanted to ship my lost 50 to my mom in Maine...I would have to spend the following...

Tue Jan 7, 2014 12:00 PMFedEx Priority Overnight^®245.36

 Tue Jan 7, 2014 8:00 PMFedEx Standard Overnight^®239.53 

Wed Jan 8, 2014 12:00 PMFedEx 2Day AM^®198.11 

Wed Jan 8, 2014 8:00 PMFedEx 2Day^®173.80 

End of day(9 Business Days)FedEx Home Delivery ^®120.92

Now I'm pretty sure my Momma is trying to lose a few pounds of her own and would not want me to ship her my 50 lost pounds.... 

These are examples of the things I used to heft around daily:

• The largest bag of dog food 
• A small bag of cement mix
• 200 dollars in Quarters
• 6 gallons of water
• a large cooler of beer and ice

 

NO wonder I was tired occasionally  ALL.THE.TIME!!!!  

NO wonder my feet hurt all the time. {Nary a foot pain recently.} 

NO wonder I never wanted to do anything but sleep.  {BTW I still love to sleep and occasionally catch up on a few several hours on the weekend, much to LOML's chagrin.}

NO wonder I had to nap everyday at lunchtime {still do sometimes.}

NO wonder shaving my legs was such a chore {there's a lotta leg there.}

NO wonder the thought of painting my own toenails was so daunting {couldn't see my toes - can now!}

NO wonder I wore Danskos all the time...no laces!!!!  {I just bought a pair of New Balance sneakers...with shoelaces! Score!}

NO wonder I rarely wore jewelry - my neck, fingers, wrists were always too chubby for jewelry to feel comfortable. {I wear it almost daily now & I look GOOD :)}

NO wonder I was constantly irritated with everything {I still get irritated but now mostly on a monthly cycle :)}

The only thing I truly wonder about it is why the Holy Hell I waited so long to have it done.  

I am happy.  I am thinner.  I am exactly 1/3 of the way to my goal.  

Happy Nifty Fifty to me.  

Comfy in my skin

Went through my closet this weekend and I already have a pile of stuff that is either too BIG {what?!?!?!?} or that I just won't wear to take to the thrift store.  It was fun to get rid of the tent shirts that made me feel moderately comfortable...or maybe just secure and protected under a tent of fabric. 

 

I got to thinking.  The weight I am at now is a weight I hovered around for years and years.  A weight where I felt like me.  Comfy in my own skin.  Slowly the pounds started creeping past this comfy phase into a not so comfy miserable {stretched to the skin limits} phase, where I constantly felt like a stuffed sausage about to burst my casing.  My body was full.  Full of fat, full of sad, empty of hope.  Until now.

 

The journey I am on since my surgery has honestly - {for realsies}- made me happier.  It baffles me.  I am the same.  But I feel better.  I look better.  I get tons of compliments about my progress.  And I seriously haven't cried or had an anxiety attack since the weight started coming off.  Don't get me wrong.  I have had a few bad, overwhelming, tiring days.  But I am happy. 

 

I have noticed it is easier to remain calm around my kids teenagers{with the exception of the last few days of scolding yelling screaming} with exasperation and frustration over pre-Christmas entitlement and greedy, downright pissy attitudes.  I get much less irritated in general.  It could just be the weight loss.  Or the fact that sugar rarely enters my system and I am now 6 weeks gluten free.  Whatever it is....I'm not complaining

 

So hopefully the stress of the holidays won't make me a nuttier version of my former self.  Right now I am happy in my skin {not so happy I want to stay here} and excited to see the hen who gets even smaller....

 

As you know I am a firm believer in visual aids. 

I shocked myself when I got dressed this morning and looked at an old picture on Facebook wearing the same shirt.  Same shirt...different me.  So far 38.6 pounds down.....

Voices

I'm doing good.  I'm losing, I feel good, I haven't been sick or had adverse reactions (except the allergic reaction) since my surgery.  

The things that are hard for me so far are head things not body things.  

My head constantly screws with me.  My body isn't hungry - my mind is....head hunger.  It sucks! 

My head constantly fights with itself about what I know I need to do and what my old habits are.  

Eggnog shakes are here 

and a voice whispers in my ear.... You know you want it.  

Yep I did want it.  But I delivered it to my boys at home and ate some fish and later a sugar free grape Popsicle....{swoon} and the voice still said.... Maybe it wouldn't have made you sick..just try it.  STFU stupid voice. 

I went to WLS support group tonight.  I learned I need that once a month meeting to touch base with people near me who have been through the same thing.  It helps keep my head straight and feel normal about how crazy I feel sometimes- how the voice in my head won't sabotage me.  

I realized tonight- {an aha moment if you will} that this isn't another diet that I can just give up on - I have drastically changed my body and I will listen to it...and attempt to ignore the voice in my head. 

One month and 30+ pounds down....a reason to smile for sure.

Hurdles

I know I know, it's been over a week since my last post.  But I've been really really busy! Really busy!  Two of the moms in J's class and I planned a fundraiser dinner and auction which we had on Friday night. It's been a crazy month with my surgery and planning this auction, but it went off pretty well. We raised over $10,000!  And all the proceeds go to J's class specifically for the DC trip in May.  

The dinner was a challenge, it was pasta and bread sticks and pizza muffins {which looked fantastic by the way}and salad and chicken.  I could eat none of it.  I did deconstruct a small piece of lasagna and ate all the sauce out of it so that's what I had for dinner that night.  The dessert auction was something I thought I would have BIG trouble with. In all reality though,  it wasn't that hard because I was so busy.  Even though my mother-in-law made a death by chocolate ~ I could have stuck my head in and eaten all of it but I didn't.  Score one for ME! Plus, It probably would have been improper because our table didn't win that dessert in the dessert auction.  But my kids made good

use of the left overs....J a death by chocolate pancake and T finished it off in good form. 

The booze was another thing I was worried about at the auction because auctions are more fun when you're tanked. But since I'm too scared to get sick from eating what I'm not supposed to, I ignored the desert and the pasta and the booze and focused on working the auction.  And I did ok!

So now that the auction is over I can focus on eating and preparing and getting myself straight as to what I can and can't eat.  I'd been eating on the go last week while planning the auction and having meetings and I learned some things. I learned that there are things that I hated before the surgery that I like now.  And vice versa.

For example: 

     I like mushrooms. During one of our lunch meetings for the auction the only option available for me was a mushroom soup. I ate it and loved it.  Before the surgery you could not have paid me to touch a mushroom with a 10 foot pole. 

    I now love Guacamole.  Before the look and feel and taste of avocados made me want to hurl.  Saturday night I went to an Origami Owl launch party for a new designer that signed up under me.   Her husband made homemade guacamole. That night I had guacamole and salmon dip for dinner and it was fantastic.  

     I hate the smell of coconut now.  I loved coconut before the surgery.  I'll try it again and let you know the outcome.  

     I'm also going to try things that before I hated for example: cottage cheese. I hate cottage cheese. Always have. Not sure I always will though I'm going to try it someday soon. In reality I've never actually eaten cottage cheese plain but the look of it makes me want to toss my cookies.  Not ready to try Brussel sprouts yet though.... Not sure I ever will be. 

So here it is Thanksgiving week and I'm going to succeed. I passed my first hurdle which was the dinner/auction and I'm going to make it through Thanksgiving as well. Still making my sweet potato casserole like I do every year. I'm going to make a tiny one for me with Splenda instead of sugar and without the topping.  I'll let you know how it goes. 

Oh and PS - I've lost 30 pounds!